I'm currently sat on my bed after revising for what seems like forever (it hasn't been it's been about 4ish hours) and I'm listening to upbeat song's to get me in a good mood. 

Today has been pretty shit not going to lie, walked out the house to see my housemates/front window was boarded up! like what, I was in all day yesterday and this morning till 11am (ish). Of course I had to ring her up since she was at home and tell her and she of course had to inform the landlords because it needed to be fixed. I had a feeling that it was a lad that we live with since he put on Facebook early morning that he was locked out of the house. Which is understandable, did he want me to keep the house unlocked and me unsafe! I don't exactly live in the safest neighbourhood or area! he never once asked me before hand to leave the top lock off, he wasn't even in the house all day yesterday! was I supposed to guess when he comes and goes, which I actually think he thinks we should do as he does it pretty much every week!. Gah so many exclamation points but so needed. He's a bit too up himself and it's not a good look.

Anyway my house mate messaged him and he admitted it! like what was he not going to tell us and make us think that some random man had broken in. I was on my own and scared out my wits in case someone was hiding in her room!. After he admitted it, in a joking way which is not acceptable all he said was that he knocked too hard!. argh if he could phone a man up to get it boarded up at a stupid time then he could have pretty much messaged me before hand to ask me. It's not difficult, he can even write a status about being locked out.

My next rant is a little different and I don't think I'm going to talk about everything because then we would be here for years and I don't think people would want to read all about my problems which is one thing, I hate feeling like a burden on people, I hate talking to them about my problems because most of the time i think they don't want to hear it. Who wants to hear me babble on about things. 

Most of it's petty stuff but it's the petty stuff that grows and multiplies till it hits me all at once and I can't control my sadness and hatred for anything and everything. It's hard to explain but a lot i become a big ball of sadness and this lasts a few days to weeks and all I want to do is sit on my bed, not moving, not doing anything and wait for it to pass. I feel like I'm a burden so I create this fake happiness but it hits me and on days I can't even crack a smile and people ask me what's wrong but half the time if i decide to explain they don't understand and then i realise that even i don't understand myself sometimes.

I'm fed up of being single, I'm fed up of seeing everyone have someone and I'm just sat on my own like 'well i read a good book once'. If i find someone who seems interested such as we talk a lot or even go on dates they end up just ignoring me and then finding someone else. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for anyone or that no one wants my company. I'm happy for my friends that are in a relationship I truly am but it kinda sucks seeing them all happy and getting to talk about someone they love and i just have to listen and not contribute because i have nothing to say. 

I'm honestly fed up of myself most of all and that's not a good thing and I know I should live life to the fullest and live each day like its my last and make adventures but I find it hard with my anxiety and just getting out the house is an achievement for me. I just would like someone who would like to spend time with me, whether it be a trip out to a movie day!.

I'm sorry i rambled so much but it's nice to get some feeling off my chest since I'm one of those who bottle everything inside till i explode. This literally happened in school one year when I called someone out for bullshitting after 3 years about stupid things. It wasn't that pretty and I don't want to do that again.

Love Emma. 

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